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The Flyer

Skunks now enrolled at Lewis University

Julia Mach

Mach 1

In an unprecedented move by Lewis administrators, the school has allowed for skunks to enroll in the fall semester of 2017, due to the recent increase in skunk sightings in the area. “Lewis University is all about equal opportunity, but that opportunity does not end with humans,” said President David Livingston. “We are a community of humans and animals alike, and everyone should have the right to a higher education.” Rumors have begun to circulate that the administration would like to allow other animals to enroll as well, including friendly squirrels and domesticated foxes. However, this will depend on how the students and skunks get along with each other in the upcoming fall semester, which is acting as a test-run for the initiative. “I am excited that Lewis University is welcoming a more diverse population to campus,” said Pepe Silvia human and non-human resource director. “They will always have a place here, and will find ministry very welcome to their presence.” Silvia reminds students that Lewis is a safe space and that if our new populous has any issues adjusting to their unfamiliar environment (because humans continue hoarding their natural habitats), then they are always welcome in any of the safe spaces on campus. The univeristy wants students to know that if they want to avoid conflict with the incoming populous, students should avoid using the word “skunk” and instead refer to our new members of the Lewis family as “striped rodents.” We reached out for comment from one of the incoming striped rodent students, Dinkum Stinkum, but instead of giving us a quote, our correspondent was sprayed by his new peer. Students have been warned that any tomfoolery or hazing with the incoming populous will result in a fine and a ban from campus until they no longer stink. They are instead encouraged to welcome the new populous and learn about the true nature of their fellow striped rodent students. When attempting to get a second quote from Stinkum, this time with an offering of food scraps, our correspondent, who still stinks by the way, was unable to secure a quote from Stinkum. It turns out striped rodents actually cannot speak English, or any language at all. With the new incoming populous, Sodexo is widening its menu to accommodate the new students’ diets. This includes larvae, earthworms, grubs, frogs, snakes, berries and fungi. Students are warned to make sure that they know what they are eating before they purchase their food to avoid mix-ups between diets. Sodexo is not at fault for any mix-ups in the cooking, and students are even encouraged to try the new food offerings in order to assimilate with their new peers. Lewis will be one of the first schools to accept striped rodents and the school cannot wait to get this program off the ground, flying even higher than their flying squirrel cousins.

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